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Creation Date: 2004-05-06

Hello friends of Javantea's Fate. It's been a poor few weeks. My work on Hack Mars is stalled and my job is no longer an excuse for not working. I'm happy, but I'm not pleased with my progress. I can't seem to force myself, so I'm just going to let it slide until I'm inspired again. Creating a video game is tough. The small things that are the base of the video game are easy to write separately. But together, it's a huge undertaking. Perhaps this is how game companies work: one person writes as much as he can and hands it to the next person who does as well as she can, and so on until it is finished. But quite a while ago I totally gave up on handing off any of my work: no one else would do it. Not until I have money that I don't have. Well, the solution is to do it myself. A person must rely on himself, because that is all he has. Here I have talent, a bit of effort, and a purpose. This is my task. But that puts a lot of pressure on me to produce results. When I make a mistake, who do I blame? When I'm a lazy bum, who do I fire?

So my credit cards are coming into center view again. Last month they were asking for $600. This month it'll be down to $400, but that's before rent, food, and internet. With a job, it's totally possible to do that. But without, it's getting kinda scary. I hear people say how they got out of debt after a long while of hard work. I want my short while of hard work, where do I go? The classifieds are really f'd. I just can't stand them. The website is offensive to my senses. The whole job search system seems like a lame fraud. Obviously others have not had my problem.

Maybe I just have a short attention span: if it doesn't go zing, zoom, wow, I'm working on something else. I like listening to techno while working on things. But this makes me a bit of a hedonist. I'm only happy when happy things are telling me to cheer up. Hedonism isn't supposed to be a long-term solution. Hedonists often suffer major pain related to their addiction. Like not paying their bills or not listening to people. Liking spending 10 years watching lame movies.

Honey love, honey look what you do to me,
I can't think, I can't act the way I used to be.
Got no choice, just your voice sends me through the roof
I'm a mess, I confess, it's because of you.

Oooooh, shook me up so quickly
Oooooh, bend me like a smooth breeze
You're like the air, I take you into me.
You're all I crave, everything within me.
Just like the air you're there
smooth everywhere you stare
You make me fall.

Turn around, take me down til you feel the moves
come on in and again we can make the grooves
close your eyes not so much
ride the wave to escape and be by my side
-- Lio - Smooth
But hedonism isn't all bad. No sir, just hook me up and leave the drip on.

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